If you’re a parent, or about to become one, you’ll already know how this goes; before you become one yourself, you see all the other parents around you giving their kids candy bars, allowing their kids to play on electronic tablets and smartphones, taking them to McDonald’s whenever they start throwing a tantrum and thinking to yourself smugly “HA! That will NEVER be me! My kids will read BOOKS! My kids will only ever organic vegetables and rice crackers, My kids won’t even know what a Happy Meal IS!!!!”
…And then you actually become a parent. And you suddenly find yourself wanting to travel back in time to the You who said all those smug things in order to slap them over and over and over again. Don’t worry though, you weren’t the first one to say these things and you certainly won’t be the last.
1. Why did I do this again?
Yep – kids can be pretty cruel. Hilarious, but cruel. The thing is though, they don’t even realize what they’re saying is mean, they’re just telling you how they really feel. And how they feel, is well… pretty mean.
2. On the edge.
A lot of the time it’s just a case of doing whatever the heck you need to do in order to make it through the day. Everyday.
3. There’s nothing wrong with being passionate…
Either this Dad is trying to figure out a solid way to get out of having to sit through his kid’s karate classes ever, ever again… or he is just SUPER into Mortal Kombat.
4. Wait, can I say that?
Sometimes things just slip out, y’know? You automatically regress back to that time when you didn’t have kids and you could say whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. Oh, and also, you’re the b*tch who forgot.
5. Sometimes you just have to give in.
Kids will break you down. I mean it, they will BREAK you. And I don’t care how old they are or how well behaved they are… they know exactly what they’re doing. Sometimes, all you can do is wave the white flag and give them the answer they want.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
So, so many questions. If you don’t own a boat, then why do you have a life jacket??? How did your child get to it in the first place??? Did you allow your child to watch Titanic because you couldn’t be bothered arguing with them about going to bed??? …Yes. Of course you did.
7. W- wait… what?
Let’s face it – when it comes to your kids, sometimes you just zone out. It’s fine! We all do it. I mean how many times can you really talk to your kids creepy imaginary on the phone for? But every now and then, there can be times when you probably really should listen.
8. Well… she’s not wrong.
“Enjoy every minute of this age!” “They grow up so fast!” “Blink and you’ll miss it!”… really? I’m really going watching my toddler shove legos up her nose or her fun little games of “Hide The Full Diaper”? I think not.
9. It definitely does have its advantages, however.
This is honestly a level of petty I think we should all aspire to be one day, gosh darn. I remember a mom who used to always give me grief for missing out on PTA meetings, so I bought her kid a recorder and a “How To Play…” book filled with the music from Disney’s Frozen. Merry Freakin’ Christmas, Sandra!
10. When you spend most of your time being Cinderella (before she became a princess).
This is a truly great idea, although personally, I’d rather be either Rapunzel or Belle… either way I’d be locked up, far far away – where nobody could ever bother me apart from maybe the odd rodent or a piece of furniture… wait… maybe I AM Belle!?
11. Completely losing control of your life.
Yep, it’s no secret that every new generation of kids seems even more spoiled and entitled than the one before them. And whose fault is that? OURS. IT’S OUR FAULT, OKAY? WE’RE SORRY.
12. Just smile and nod, smile and nod…
Any paediatrician who has ever asked that question straight-faced to a parent either is REALLY committed to their job or they don’t actually have any kids themselves. I mean, there’s no way they actually believe you anyway, right?
13. All you can do is hope for the best.
Just put the plate down and run, honey, that’s what I usually do. In fact, I even attempt to scrape the burnt parts off without my kid hearing it. They know, though, somehow they always seem to know.